1 5分雅思小作文如何逆襲7分
童鞋們在練習(xí)小作文時，
有木有養(yǎng)成糾錯的好習(xí)慣呢?
Vicky墻裂建議:
要想拿高分，
必須學(xué)會糾錯!
下面Vicky幫你精改一篇雅思小作文
附帶各部分改動的詳解原因，
烤鴨們快來學(xué)習(xí)如何改錯吧!
Question：
The following infographic outlines current parenthood trends for all Australian births, Australian births to mothers under the age of 25 and Australian family composition.
Write a brief report of at least 150 words describing the information depicted here.
以下圖表概述了澳大利亞所有出生人數(shù)目前的生育趨勢、25歲以下媽媽們的生育情況和澳大利亞家庭組成情況。
寫一篇不少于150字的簡短報告描述圖表呈現(xiàn)的相關(guān)信息。
先來看一篇未改動之前的低分例文，
細(xì)心的你，
發(fā)現(xiàn)了哪些錯誤呢?
又或者是你的真實寫照，
渾然不知嘞?
低分例文：
The pie charts are showing the current parenthood trends for all Australian births, Australian births to mothers under the age of 25 and Australian family composition .
At the first pie chart, we can see that the biggest portion is of the single mothers who give birth to children while they are under the age of 25 years old. While the rest of the mothers are already married their percentage is 28%.
At the second pie chart, it is immediately clear that more than half of the births are by married couples while almost third of the births are by single mothers.
As for the children. We can see that almost 4 in every 5 children live with a family consisting of a mother and a father , while the rest live either in a single mother family or a single father family.
We can infer from these pie charts that single motherhood which was once largely limited to poor women and minorities is becoming the new norm. This prevalence is due in part to the growing trend of children born outside marriage, a social trend that was virtually unheard of decades ago.
如果你發(fā)現(xiàn)很多錯誤，
Vicky給你點贊!
沒發(fā)現(xiàn)的童鞋，
表傷心，
跟著Vicky一起來改正吧!
精改范文：
The pie charts ?are showing show the current parenthood trends for all Australian births, and Australian births to mothers under the age of 25. ?while the infographic shows and Australian family ?composition . composition.
? 該情境下不應(yīng)該使用現(xiàn)在進(jìn)行時，are showing 表示此時正在發(fā)生的事情，不符合邏輯，而我們需要討論的是圓餅圖上的客觀情況，應(yīng)該使用一般現(xiàn)在時態(tài)即可。
? 圓餅圖并沒有給出Australian family composition的信息，是整個圖表上顯示的。
?標(biāo)點前不應(yīng)該使用空格。
? At In the first pie chart, ? we can see it can be seen that ? the biggest portion is of the single mothers who give birth to children while they are under the age of 25 years old. While the rest of the mothers are already married their percentage is 28%.most children are born to married couples, at 66%. This is in contrast to the rest of the births, which are to unmarried mothers, at 34%.
? 介詞使用錯誤
? 在正式的寫作中，尤其是陳述客觀情況時，應(yīng)該避免使用如'we', 'our', 'us'等詞匯。
?這一段的說法不正確，首先圓餅圖并沒有提到single mothers, 說的是 'not married' 和 'married couples', 例如她們可能和男朋友或者未結(jié)婚的伴侶一起生活;
另外，原句分析錯了圖片，本來是分析第一張圖(左邊)，結(jié)果內(nèi)容是第二張圖(右邊)的。英語的閱讀順序是從左到右，同樣圖表也是從左到右。
原文的語法結(jié)構(gòu)也很混亂，存在很多語法錯誤。
At In the second pie ?chart, it chart, it is immediately clear that ? more than half of the births are by married couples while almost third of the births are by single mothers.
a significantly large amount of births to women under 25 years old are to unmarried mothers, at 72%, while just 28% are to married couples.
? 空格錯誤
? 原句沒有在描述第二張圓餅圖，而且births 不是'by 'couples, 男人不能生孩子，應(yīng)該是 'to'couples. 而且'third'前少了冠詞'a'.
? As for the children. We can see With regard to Australian family composition, it can be seen that ? almost around ? 4 in every 5 children ? (83%) live with a family consisting of a mother and a? father , while the rest live either in a single mother family or a single father family.
? As for the children并不是一個完整句子，所以不能加句號;另外，這句話很不正式，所指的內(nèi)容也不夠具體。
? almost的意思是差不多，包含的意思是低于four in every five. 而這里的圖標(biāo)情況并沒有“低于”的意思。
? 數(shù)字0-10要寫成對應(yīng)的英文單詞，11以上的數(shù)字可以保持阿拉伯?dāng)?shù)字的形式;
? four in every five后增加具體的百分比使情況描述更加直觀、清晰。
? 空格錯誤
? We can infer from these pie charts that single motherhood which was once largely limited to poor women and minorities is becoming the new norm. This prevalence is due in part to the growing trend of children born outside marriage, a social trend that was virtually unheard of decades ago.
?對于圖標(biāo)情況以及相關(guān)數(shù)據(jù)進(jìn)行了深入思考，并有自己的觀點，這很好，但是一定要看清楚題目要求，問題只要求你對圖表數(shù)據(jù)進(jìn)行描述。
并且圖表中并沒有關(guān)于經(jīng)濟(jì)地位、種族的任何信息，因此你不應(yīng)該對此妄加評論。另外，你所得到的只是“目前”的數(shù)據(jù), 你無法從圖表中判斷數(shù)據(jù)的增長情況。
P.S.：
? 文中出現(xiàn)多次空格錯誤!
? 原文漏掉了圖表中的一個重要信息點：'the average age of mothers giving birth'(30.7) ,導(dǎo)致信息描述不完整。
? 綜上所述，該學(xué)生有很多語言點需要提高，例如該學(xué)生在詞匯選擇、語法結(jié)構(gòu)方面較弱，造成句子混亂，連貫性較差，并且出現(xiàn)了一些拼寫問題。
真的是細(xì)查極恐有木有!
原來有這么多低級錯誤：
小到標(biāo)點，大到邏輯;
只有斟詞酌句，
才能拿到高分!
各位小伙伴
快按照以上方法，
對你的作文開始糾錯吧!
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